Lessons and Growth 18September2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in Journey of a Lifetime.add a comment
It just became apparent to me that I have lacked control and discipline throughout my entire life. I was never taught how to set aside the wants and desires of the lower self. It has been only recently that I have made the effort to bring discipline into my life. Self control becomes a part of the lesson as well.
The only way I have found to bring meaning into this journey has been to always remember the Light that is from within. It proves to be true that the seed planted in all of us really needs some light, warmth, nourishment and encouragement in order to grow. In order to bloom into something even more beautiful, use the Light, always.
From my perspective, although I was given a home to grow up in, for all intents and purposes, I raised myself without any proper tools to utilize. I was given sub-par food to eat, clothes to wear, a school to attend and a bed to sleep at night. I was also given most of my free time to do with what I wanted. And God was not a topic in that home.
Fast forward forty years into the home that I have made for myself. The home where my child is growing. I am learning about putting nourishing food into our bodies. I am trying to teach non-attachment to things. I am constantly working on control and discipline in my daily choices for myself and my daughter. God lives in this house.
The irony that I face right now is that a parent is living in my home. There is a clash between darkness and Light, that which I grew up with and that which I choose for my life right now. The past is trying to creep into my home and it is not welcome. I will not allow the darkness to dwell here anymore.
I AM DIVINE LIGHT. I cast away those petty wants and desires of the lower mind. Those who have come to my home with parasitic intent are banished. Those who dwell in darkness shall move out into the Light and will not return here anymore. Those who cling to material may leave, never to return to this home.
Ramblings of a Fresh Perspective 16September2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in Journey of a Lifetime.2 comments
Remaining in the Light is a very difficult task. Reaching out to God to help you through is like trying to reach into a vast amount of space hoping to grasp the key to open the doors of enlightenment. Recently I’ve noticed how much space there is out there and trying to find God amongst it always seemed a bit moot.
Intellectually I have always known that what I am in need of can be found from within myself. Although I began this scavenger hunt without a list of items to obtain so I found myself wandering endlessly for ideas that sounded good or seemed to fit. Sure! God is right here, has been the whole time. No need to look further.
I’ve read enough material that all of it seems to be saying the same things. I accept these notions about life and purpose and God and I file them all away for a time that I may find a use for them. But when the time came to use them for my benefit I managed to talk myself out of the benefits. This voice kept getting in my way.
The voice has become very self indulgent over the years. Its wants, desires and pleasures cannot be satiated. If its not one bad habit then its another. Back and forth, endlessly, until my body begins to suffer the consequences. The voice, which began to form in the womb, has made the decisions for far too long.
Beginning today…it has already begun! The voice no longer has a say. The ego is no longer in control. The lower mind can serve its purpose only. My purpose has been trying to get through for a long time now. And the higher mind has many things to offer my purpose. So I AM lighting the way from within, so may the rose blossom!
Blah blah blah blog 14July2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in A journey of 40 days.1 comment so far
After being absent for some time I feel the need to write on this thing again. In the past I was able to open up some about myself and my life and how I was in need of change. We ALL are in need of change to some extent. But for me, change is an absolute, something that I have endeavored for all of my adult life. And here I am again.
Back in my early twenties it was all about the “why me,” as I often wondered, or screamed aloud in a desperate state of blubbery teary eyes. Anger took me over and over to the point where I was thrown out of my own body. Really! I would catch myself watching myself in a complete stage of rage. It was only when I went off one day with my then boyfriend that I began to search for the root of my anger. FYI, I was only able to see my own actions back then because my then boyfriend would never respond to my fits of rage. He would simply watch me go through it. When I asked him one time why I was so angry and yelling at him he simply replied by saying “I don’t know.”
For nearly twenty years I have been trying to train myself to get over my own rage. Even as I write about this I feel miserable as the feelings of anger and rage begin to well up inside. Come to think of it, the anger isn’t the root feeling. I am and have been a sad person for most of my life. I am not prone to the depression level. I still get up and plug away at things each day, mostly anyway. The root of my sadness goes back a long time. As long as I can remember, I was not a happy individual. I did not have a happy childhood. My parents were not bad individuals but were not very good at parenting. My depressed mother, my angry father and my mean older brother is what I endured for too many years. I was living in a house with three others while I felt completely and utterly alone.
Even before I was born my life was full of struggle. The woman who carried me in her womb was a wreck. She was clinically depressed already and after having a second unwed pregnancy, she opted to give me up for adoption as well. After four weeks of foster care I was placed in the care of what I now call my family.
Even in some of my past lives I lived a very lonely existence. And today, I am trying to work out some karma from God knows how long.
So, today, I wear a nicotine patch because smoking is rediculous. Yet, all I want to do is tear this thing off my arm and go smoke two cigarettes in a row. Additionally, give me a fat juicy bud of marijuana to choke down as well. When I have the opportunities to escape my so called existence I feel much better. Strangely true that a slow death caused by my actions now seems more fulfilling than dealing with the crap that I have to deal with today.
Let us not forget that I will not be drinking anymore caffeine rich, fructose rich soda pop either. And include the fact that my five-year old is going to put me over the edge, the one that I have been balancing on over the past forty years; Picture me standing at the top of a very tall mountain. I am about to take a leap. The question is, will I take a leap over the edge and just blow it all to hell, or, will I take a leap of faith instead, allowing some greater power than myself just take over from here on out?
Because I sure as hell cannot do this my way anymore.
the journey continues 17April2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in day 40.add a comment
I find no need to write a conclusion since I will keep on keeping on. A journey of 40 days has been a stepping stone on my path from out of darkness and into the Light.
being mindful 16April2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in day 39.add a comment
After 39 days I seem to keep wrapping back around to my mind as my frienemy. As a friend it keeps me alive and functioning reasonably well. As an enemy it insists on being right there in the forefront injecting its power into every thought and decision I come across. Anytime I try to distance myself from my own mind it’s as though the power I have invested in it grows and grows until that power has become my ruler. i.e. I’m stopped at a train crossing. The bars are down and the lights are flashing. Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding………tooooooot………tooooooot………..ch ch ch ch…. I start counting the cars beginning with the engine. How fast is it going? Is it slowing down? It looks faster when I look to the left or the right but in the center it looks to be moving slower. I wonder what’s in those cars? Probably more crap that none of us need. There’s too much corn subsidies. It’s probably all corn in those cars. Shoot, how many was that…the brown one was 39, or was it that brown one…? Who creates all that art? They’re pretty talented. Why don’t they put that talent to a better use? Maybe to clean up rather than to soil…why don’t you use your own talents? 52…53…54. This is a long one. It’s going to be a while. I want a soda. I want a cigarette too. I want something sweet. Not just anything…ooohh, a doughnut, I haven’t had a doughnut in a long time…mmm, yes. I need to exercise, I hate exercising. I like to work my body but not like that. What am I going to do for dinner? Eating out is easier. I have to clean the house. Laundry too. Shit! I forgot to pick up detergent. 75…76…77. This train is making me late. I wish I could fly. There’s too many potholes right now. I can’t believe it snowed last night. It’ll melt. But still! It’s cold out. I hate wearing my jacket, it’s too bulky. 98…99…100. 100! Is it ever going to end? Wait! It is slowing down…no it’s not…just an illusion, I think. There’s the caboose, and another caboose…how many cabooses does a train need?! 108. Almost gone. Ding ding ding ding ding……..tooooot……toooot….click clack click clack click click clack. Finally. I need to stop at a store for smokes. I’ll get a doughnut and a pop too.
For hire: I’m looking to hire someone to be my boss. I’ll pay good money (not really cause I have none) but you’ll get to tell me what to do, boss me around, and make my decisions for me. Must be proficient in keeping the ball rolling for me. I will do as you say as long as you are kinder to me as I have been. Also, must be able to train me in order for me to take myself back at some point. Previous experience preferred. Must have references. Only the serious may inquire. Must be good with kids.
hello again 11April2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in day 34.add a comment
I had decided to take a break from the blog because I am finding that words just do not come close to describing my personal journey. As a writer, I find myself rambling on trying to intellectualize in order to comprehend what exactly I am doing with this life. I become lost in the words and their meanings.
My goal is to rely on the intuition more than reasoning. And lately the intuition has been serving me very well. The less I think about something the more things seem to fall into place just as they should. My time has become balanced without the burden of planning the specifics.
I still do not know what my purpose in this life is. I’m beginning to get the feeling that I won’t ever know it on the intellectual level. So maybe I ought to stop trying to figure it out!
In the meantime, spring has arrived in my part of the world (finally!) and I have been keeping very busy working outside in the yard. A lot of hard labor seems to serve me very well. I am becoming stronger after the long winter. The sunshine on my skin is a most wonderful natural pick-me-up. And I am accomplishing many things on my to-do list.
Next up is to start a vegetable garden in addition to maintaining and adding to my shrubs, flowers and trees. I am also trying to establish a compost pile.
So, 34 days into this particular journey I am still confused yet I am content to be so.
too many words 30March2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in day 22.add a comment
At some point I must realize that words just aren’t enough. Writing has always been my thing even if just for myself. But it doesn’t seem to matter how well something is articulated if I cannot back up my words with action. My mind races in attempt to figure things out. I analyze the details. I consider the what ifs. I carefully put together words to form sentences and I read each one over and over until I think I’ve stated my point. And my point is?
Fewer words. More action.
sunrise, sunset 29March2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in day 21.add a comment
Divine light shines in me
Divine life permeates and heals every atom of my being
I am the resurrection and the life
A prayer by White Eagle
www.whiteaglelodge.org
THE FOLLOWING IS PRESENTED WITH HAIKU HEAVEN IN MIND…
(Haiku brings simplicity to me during confusing times)
Thank you sun goodnight
Your light is so beautiful
See you tomorrow
Giving thanks by Maya and Mama
The fire inside me
Glowing burning hot
Light my path today
Awakening the soul
Give us this day sun
Forgive us our sunglasses
In blindness we see
A touch of light humor
Morning amber rose
You create such awe within
Evening golden pink
Colorful testimony
halfway 28March2011
Posted by rayofloveandlight in day 20.add a comment
Today marks the halfway point of my 40 day journey. I had not laid out any expectations for myself on this journey so I guess I shouldn’t feel any disappointment about this process. But tonight I am allowing a bit of room for an analysis of what this process is really about. The truth is I don’t know. I don’t know what, if anything, I have accomplished so far. Part of me thinks that I won’t know the meaning until the 40 days have passed. Maybe it’ll take even more time to realize what it is I am trying to do. So far I feel I have only put out half the effort towards reaching some unknown goal. My discontinuous behavior is unsettling yet I don’t seem to have the will or the drive to form any continuity. Setting goals has never been one of my attributes and structuring my life follows a similar pattern. I’ve mostly been the free spirited sort who is led more by spontaneity than by planning or by following rules or adhering to regulations.
This journey, I mean the whole of it, life and all that it entails, is a process. One experience leads to another, then another, then another…. And it does not end when we depart, commonly known as death. Because at some point we return to continue the process until eventually we have reached the pinnacle at the highest point of the grandest place in all of eternity.
I have only recently been given a glimpse of All That Is. But once I saw that little spark illuminate the infinite I knew that I was witnessing more than I could have ever imagined. When I allow this process to lead me I am injected with more hope, more peace and more joy than I can describe. So each moment leads me to right now. This moment is all there really is. The past can only exist in my mind. The effects of the past can only have an impact if I allow it to live. The future also only exists in my mind. At any given moment the perceived future can change slightly or dramatically simply by what I choose in each moment. That leaves me with the present. This has been referred to as a gift because when you live in the present–that is exactly what you have.
In conclusion, being 20 days into a 40 day journey is a present in of itself. Maybe what I am doing is exactly what I am meant to do, that is, write about my personal journey. My thoughts, words, feelings and experiences are being expressed to the enormously vast audience of the cosmos. Some people may read this too and maybe an impression will be made on one other.
